


My Pain

by sleepypoet



Category: Slipknot (Band)
Genre: (not a lot but it's there), Abandonment, Angst, Break Up, False Accusations, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27847382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepypoet/pseuds/sleepypoet
Summary: Don’t forget, it’s only love.
Relationships: Shawn Crahan/Sid Wilson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	My Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Felt sad, wrote angst
> 
> Just a short little story, nothing big or fancy.

He knew this was going to happen. It ends like this every time.

And he had done nothing to prevent it.

_Shawn chuckles, cupping his hands against the younger man’s face. God, he’s beautiful. Sid giggles and leans into Shawn’s endearing gesture, mumbling little “I love you”s, just loud enough for him to hear. Warm sunlight beams around the two, a light breeze blowing through the treetops. Their picnic blanket lays sprawled out under them on the fresh green grass. Bottles of sweet tea are scattered about, and a basket of fruit sits ripe, waiting to be eaten. But neither of the two are very focused on the lunch they packed; no, they’re too lost in their own magical little world. Shawn leans back against the tree behind him, lost in the DJ’s enchanting blue eyes. Sid sighs deeply, content, body perched on the other man’s lap. They would both stay here forever if they could, in this very moment.  
Slowly, gently, Shawn glides his hands down the other’s body, pausing at his hips. His heart thuds in his chest. Sid leans in slightly, arms bringing themselves up to wrap around Shawn’s neck. The moment is tense, but only for a second, because soon Shawn has his lips against Sid’s, soft and loving. The DJ melts into the kiss, sweet as honey and dripping with unwavering affection. The birds sing and the flowers dance in the wind, and all is well. All is perfect. _

_That had only been their third date, but the two were already madly in love._

He shouldn’t have let things get so far.

_Hot breath pants shakily against Shawn’s neck, desperate and needy. Sid moans and babbles, more, more, fuck yeah, uh, uh. The older growls deeply, pounding into his lover like his life depends on it. Boney arms wrap around his torso, scraping down his back, and Sid’s legs grip tightly around his hips.  
It’s heated, passionate, dirty, and so fucking incredible. Mind blowingly satisfying. They’ve both been wanting, needing this so bad.  
Shawn slithers his hands down to Sid’s waist and holds him tight, holds him close, showing him how much he loves him. How much he loves this. Sid whimpers something incoherent, eyes watery and mouth hanging open, gasping for air. He’s so beautiful like this. So stunningly erotic, fucked out and wild.  
When Shawn begins angling his thrusts, nailing that sweet spot with every snap of his hips, Sid practically screams.  
Fuck, oh my god, daddy p-please, don’t stop—_

_The memory is still as vivid as it was the night it happened. How could Shawn possibly forget something like that?_

But he wants to forget. He wasn’t ready to love, wasn’t ready for Sid, he just-

He couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle having someone who actually loved him, who actually gave a shit about him.

Shawn just didn’t want Sid to leave him, like everybody else in his life.

_Sid shifts uncomfortably on the leather sofa, Shawn’s arm slung around him, gripping his shoulder.  
Harder than necessary.  
Paul was having a cookout. Sid wanted to go. Shawn didn’t want him out of sight. So they compromised- they’d go to the cookout, meet up with the band, but Sid had to stick by Shawn’s side the entire time.  
Paul keeps throwing concerned glances at the pair, wanting to ask about Sid’s bruises but not wishing to be intrusive. The living room feels tense, heavy with some unidentifiable feeling. The other band members start up small talk amongst themselves- an attempt to clear the air and lighten the mood.  
Sid shakes a bit under Shawn’s touch. Shawn pulls him closer. He winces. Paul’s fist clenches.  
Sid excuses himself to the bathroom, and Shawn’s grip relents. Paul follows the younger man shortly after. Shawn’s eyes narrow, skeptical._

He didn’t mean to hurt Sid. He was just scared.

_Shawn shoves Sid backwards, spitting his venomous words while Sid just stands there, obediently, and takes it. He takes it because he feels like he deserves it, like he’s done something wrong. He hasn’t.  
“You cheater, you little fucking slut. You thought you could go sneak off with Paul behind my back? You thought I wouldn’t notice? I’m not fucking stupid, baby.”  
Sid frantically shakes his head no, he says it’s not what he thinks, but Shawn doesn’t care. He doesn’t care for reason, he just knows that Sid has been talking to Paul, and who knows what that means? Fucker must be planning something.  
“No, no it’s exactly what I think, Sidney. And you wanna know what I think?”  
Tears pool in the DJs eyes. He can’t help it- he hates when Shawn gets like this. It scares him.  
“I think you’ve been sucking his cock, because you’re a goddamn whore. Is that it? That’s what you’ve been doing, isn’t it?”  
Sid sobs, no, no, no, it’s not like that at all, he’s only worried about me and he’s just a friend, I promise-  
“Am I just not fucking good enough for you, baby? Have I just not been doing enough for you?”  
Shawn roughly grabs Sid’s wrists, forcing them above his head and slamming him into the drywall behind them.  
“Speak, goddammit-”  
The younger shakes his head, voice shaky, no, it’s all my fault, I’m sorry Shawn, please forgive me- I love you, I promise-  
Shawn’s eyes soften at the words. Not by much, but it’s noticeable, and Sid relaxes his shoulders a bit.  
Shawn sighs. “You know I love you too, right? You’re the only one for me. I need you, Sidney, I need you so bad…”  
Sid nods his head yes, I love you so much, I’d never cheat on you, I love you and only you._

_From then on, Sid had stopped seeing Paul._

It’s too late to go back and apologise. Too late to salvage things, to work it all out and patch things up. The scars can’t be undone.

The scars, that are all his fault.

_We’re through.  
“... what?”  
Sid swallows hard, hands fisted at his sides, voice cold and distant. Firm.  
I said we’re through.  
The words pierce Shawn like a bullet. The world around him seems to fade into the background, far away and insignificant.  
“Sidney, wait- you don’t know what you’re saying, we can talk this out, we can-”  
No. No, we can’t.  
Shawn stands there, dumbfounded. He tries reaching out to Sid, to take his hand or cup his cheek or just do something, anything, to try and change his mind, but the younger man only steps back to avoid the gesture. To avoid Shawn.  
Shawn wants to get mad at Sid, wants to grab him by the neck or yell and scream at him until his voice is raw, but he doesn’t. He can’t. He can’t feel angry, he can’t feel sad, he just feels… empty. Abandoned.  
Not again. Oh god, not again.  
Sid speaks up again, voice still firm but with a sense of pleading to it.  
Please, Shawn, just get some help. You’re not ok, it’s so clear that you just need to see a professional, sort yourself out, start fresh-  
Shawn ignores his words.  
“I don’t need your pity.”  
For a split second, Sid’s eyes flash with an emotion that Shawn was never quite able to catch. Regret? Heartbreak, maybe?  
But then Sid’s gone, promptly turning on his heel to shut the door behind him. The noise echoes through Shawn’s head. He stands there, unsure of what to do with himself._

_That was the last time he’d heard from Sid. Or anyone else in the band, for that matter. Anyone he tried reaching out to had blocked his number, or in response sent him something not far off from a death threat._

The memory still hurts. It’s been a year since then, and Shawn still doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. Without Sid, without the band, without friends, he just sits in his house, thinking about the past. About what could have been, and what he could’ve done differently. 

The guilt. The fucking guilt, it kills him. Even though he hasn’t spoken to Sid at all, he knows deep down that he isn’t the same. Not after what Shawn did to him. And he’ll never be the same- Shawn’s sure of it. Those types of scars are the ones that never fade, they never go away. He knows from experience.

The guilt kills him, but he’s been dead since the moment Sid left him. He feels like a walking corpse, barely getting by each day.

The cold metal in his hand lays heavy against his palm. He’s still contemplating. Whether it would be worth it or not, to just end it all. To blow his brains out and forget everything, to “start fresh”, just like Sid had told him to do. 

But he doesn’t want it to hurt. He knows he deserves it, for all the pain he’s inflicted on others, but he’s a coward on the inside. A coward who can’t live with himself, who only wants the easy way out. 

It’s not like anyone would miss him, if he pulled the trigger. In fact, he’s certain most people would feel blessed by his death.

Even Sid. The sweetest man he’s ever met, with a heart where his brain should be, who unfortunately fell in love with a man with a hole where his heart should be. Yes, even Sid would be happy to hear of Shawn’s death.

And so he makes up his mind.


End file.
